Der Wachhund schläft nie

Dear Elli, now it’s clear to me,
Why you chose to set yourself free.
It wasn’t that your love was gone,
Or that our bond was never strong.
You made a choice, your own to take,
Not to hurt, but for your own sake.

You left with love still in your heart,
Hoping I’d be strong while we’re apart.
You’ll hold me close in dreams and thoughts,
With all the peace that freedom brought.
You walked away to find your light,
Believing you’d be more alright.

You chose for you – and that’s okay,
To seek a life in your own way.
A road ahead so vast and wide,
Still holding love for me inside.

You carry the weight of what has been,
Knowing our time had reached its end.
But still, your choice was not ‘goodbye’,
It was your truth, you needed to try.

You left with love still in your heart,
Hoping I’d be strong while we’re apart.
You’ll hold me close in dreams and thoughts,
With all the peace that freedom brought.
You stood your ground, you found your song,
Even if I felt it all went wrong.
You set me free on roads unknown,
Still hoping I’d find strength alone.

Now I understand somehow –
You followed your heart, you kept your vow.
To find your path, to go your way,
With love for me – and that’s okay.

There are days when I feel all wrong,
Days when the world pulls me along.
Days that hit like a slap in the face,
In those moments, a poem finds its place.
A poem about all the brighter days,
When life’s burdens don’t weigh in so many ways.
Days when I don’t show the pain I hide,
And embrace the beauty by my side.

But today’s not one of those days,
It’s one where I keep my joy at bay.
I turn inward with a heavy heart,
Feeling like I’m falling apart.

Tomorrow might bring a different light,
Perhaps someone will make things right.
Offer comfort, a gentle touch,
To soothe the wounds that hurt so much.
Yet there are days that lack all meaning,
When all I crave is something relieving.
There are days where I just sit in the dark,
And all I want is one who stitches my heart.

No, today’s not one of those days,
It’s just one where I keep my joy at bay.
I turn inward with a heavy heart,
Feeling like I’m falling apart.
I fake a smile, but it won’t stay,
Just trying to make it through the day.

Some days, it’s just a battle to win,
And all that helps is a glass of gin.
To dull the edges of the pain,
Until the sun shines once again.
So here I sit, in the shadows dim,
Hoping tomorrow the light won’t be so slim.

For now, I write to ease my mind,
In these words, some peace I find.

I’ve been chasing shadows in the night
Where darkness is not hard to find
Thought I’d find myself in another arm
But I was just learning how to harm

But she held me close with quiet grace
No mask, no need to win the race
But I kept staring at the door
Like peace alone could be a war

I miss her touch, the way she sees
And all the fire that burns in me
I crave the storm, the rush, the fall
But lose myself when I want it all

I’m a man torn by the mirror and the truth
A boy still aching for the fountain of youth
I want to stay where the silence feels right
But I still dream of the thrill in the night

Two roads, both call my name
One is wild, one feels the same
One says “run,” the other “stay”
But both can lead my heart astray
I want the calm, I want the fight
I want her love, I want the night
Two roads, and my pride to blame
And I walk both just the same

She gives me more than I believed
A place to fall, a heart that healed
But when I look, I sometimes see
A man who fears simplicity

I built my worth on being best
On having more, on passing tests
But when she’s near, it breaks apart
She loves the cracks inside my heart

What if beauty fades and I remain?
What if love means choosing pain?
What if the life I seek to find
Is not ahead – but left behind?

Two roads, both call my name
One is fire, one is flame
One is soft and holds me near
One speaks loud to drown the fear
I want the calm, I want the game
I want the love, I want the fame
Two roads, and my pride to blame
And I walk both just the same

She writes me notes, she makes my bed
Loves the broken man I’ve fed
But I stare out at something more
A door I’ve knocked a lot before

I feel like love should burn and bite
But maybe it just holds me right
What if I can’t feel what’s safe –
’Cause all I know is how to crave?

So here I stand with open hands
No script, no mask, no well-made plans
If love is real, and it waits for me
Not in the dream – but who I’ll be

Two roads, both call my name
One is fire, one is flame
One is soft and holds me near
One speaks loud to drown the fear
I want the calm, I want the game
I want the love, I want the fame
Two roads, and I’m to choose
But every step feels like I lose

If you can’t feel calm where love begins –
Are you truly lost,
or just afraid to win?

(Breathe …)
System engaged.
The armor is thick.
But the soul … the soul is still in there.
Yeah … let’s go.

I built this airbag out of empty space, a mental cell
Constructing my own heaven just to hide from my own hell
I use my doubts like a razor, cutting every tie
A professional at “goodbye,” never asking why
It’s a high-alert state, a hyper-autonomy throne
I’d rather be a king of nothing than be fully known
I’m cutting the wires, yeah, I’m sabotaging the light
Rewiring my brain just to survive the night
I’m fixing a heart that I’ve kept under lock and key
But I’m not protecting you … I’m protecting the ghost of me!

It’s just an old dog barking at the wind
I’m scared to lose before I even begin
Two voices fighting, trying to take the wheel
One wants to hide, but the other wants to feel
I’m choosing the fire, I’m claiming this room
I’m telling my soul, this is not my doom!

Look at the man in the mirror, covered in rusted steel
Clawing at the layers just to remember how to feel
Beneath the ego, beneath the walls I’ve grown
There’s a ten-year-old boy sitting all alone
He’s on that bus, heart pure, eyes wide and bright
He’s the soul I buried to keep him out of sight!
I’m a prisoner of my own safety, a slave to the “run”
But I’m reaching for that kid until the war is won
I’m tearing off the plates, I’m shedding the skin
I’m breaking the locks to let the sunlight in!

The pressure’s rising! (Wait!) The walls are closing in!
The old alarm is screaming, “Don’t you let her in!”
But I anchor down! I don’t flee! I don’t move!
I got a pure soul and a life to prove!
I’m BREAKING THE CHAINS! I’m SHATTERING THE GLASS!
I’m letting the future kill the ghosts of the past!
I SIT IN THE FIRE! I STAY IN THE HEAT!
I’m refusing to accept an emotional defeat!
I’m freeing the boy! I’m reclaiming the man!
I’m holding the line because I know that I can!
I’m coming HOME!
I’M COMING HOOOOME!

It’s just an old dog barking at the wind!
I’m scared to lose before I even begin!
Two voices fighting, trying to take the wheel!
One wants to hide, but the other wants to feel!
I’M CHOOSING THE FIRE! I’M CLAIMING THIS ROOM!
I’M TELLING MY SOUL, THIS IS NOT MY DOOM!

No sudden moves.
The chains are gone.
Just a boy on the bus …
Watching the dawn.
(Breathe …)
I’m staying.